How the night and fog blinds

 

I crossed the fence to my best friend's house and walked in without a purpose. His sister smiled at me, taking a break from sweeping. Her smile was gentle and warm, but those who knew her well knew she had teeth behind those lips. A long time ago, she caught me and him touching each other.

I returned her smile genuinely and went in search of him in his room. I never needed permission to enter this house. Having my second breakfast with him, we went out, as we always do. But what we do always changes. Sometimes we smoke in the abandoned roofing tile factory, sometimes we play cricket with the other kids till the owner of the paddy field chases us away. One time we even walked to the nearest town on a whim, which was about 50 km away. We did everything together since we were children. Today the adventure was of a romantic nature. The new love of his life was going to the temple, and obviously, like any other "naadan lover-boy" we stalked her. He already wrote a disgustingly sweet love letter for her. I was the designated postman. After getting my ear full, we walked back to our favorite and secret haunt. The abandoned and collapsing roofing tile factory by the paddy field. Paddy fields and rivers in all directions. Just the atmosphere teenage boys need.

We climbed up the creaking ladder to the chimney and started doing its duty.

"Da, why do you go after every single good-looking girl you see," I asked

"Why does anyone do anything" his answer was philosophical and gave me a look with pretentious calmness and tranquility

"I thought the coconut thief Gopali was your father, not Socrates" he couldn't hold his face any longer at my reply, we laughed and coughed and smoked some more. I continued, "Da seriously, you chase after girls like a dog, and when they show a bit of affection back, you show your usual crappy self."

He blew out a plume of smoke and watched as it loses its identity among the surrounding fog. "Da, it's just a game. I don't need a girlfriend or anything. It's just fun, you know. Since you brought it up, why aren't you making a move on anyone?" he asked with a tone of sarcasm and a mischievous smile.

After a couple of more puffs, he looked at me for an answer. When he didn't get any, he put on a serious voice and spoke, "da, are you still pining for that bitch?"

"How many times have I told you not to call her stuff like that?" my anger and fury were burning the fog away, but it did nothing to him. I continued, "If she doesn't love me, then that's that, I left that case. Let her go her own way."

"Da, dumbshit, I have a moral obligation to badmouth anyone who broke my bestie's heart. All friends do." He stopped just to stop me from speaking and continued, "You will die alone if you keep keeping the girls at a distance." He took a good long look at me after his sagely advise and said, "I'm pretty sure that slender Maya thinks you are gay" we both started laughing, and all tensions just lifted with the fog.

Neither of us went back home for lunch. Partly because we didn't want to leave our favorite place and partly because there was no lunch. When the sun came directly upon us, we went to our second favorite place. The mold storage room, directly under the spot we were sitting. We have, over the years, hoarded, stole, and scavenged things to make a man cave there. Porno, fruits from the nearby trees, cigarettes, matches, deck of cards with the king of hearts missing. Among other things. A session of fruits, cards, and gossip later, we jumped into the river just outside and metamorphosed into frogs till twilight. Our village will always have three things: poverty, fog (all day except noon), and an industrial past. Both of us realized that it's time to go, but before I cleared the last step of the bank. He asked me to sit with him on the ledge. We sat in comfortable silence, with our legs in the water.

"Da," he had something 'big' to say I could tell from his da. "I think," he seemed to reconsider, then resumed, "no, I know I am in love with you. Don't panic, just listen," he said calmly; I've never seen him this calm. "Remember how we used to touch each other and kiss and things. After an age you grew out of that phase, I didn't"

I thought I would either feel afraid or disgusted or something, but I didn't. I understood like I always did. "Da," I said to him, trying my hardest not to break my voice. "I am sorry we did those things, but I like girls." Before I could continue, he put up his hand and said. "I know I don't want you to return my love. I just wanted you to know it. Just like how you wanted her to know yours."

We sat there just for a few more seconds. The silence was crushing me. But the thought that I made him like this hurt more. Then he broke the silence. "Da, don't worry if you don't want to see me again for a while, I will understand. If you want to continue being my best friend, I will gladly be that. Just don't hate me." Now things changed. His last words hurt most. We both got dressed and walked in silence through the fog. The map of the village was living as a germ within our legs from all the cuts and scrapes. We could close our eyes and walk and still reach home. A symbiotic relationship of sorts.

All I could muster up to say to him was sorry. And it sounded silly to both me and him. 'Sorry for turning you gay, bro,' Hilarious. I planned to take a few days and go back to being best friends. And I believed that with all my heart that, that would make all things right. Sun has set. Mom and her second husband don't care when I come back home or if I come back at all. Just before I walked out of earshot, I heard his sister calling me. I retraced my steps with only one question in my mind. Is he upset? Is she calling me to ask why he is upset?

She was not wearing her usual rag-torn nighty. But a smidge better one. She was always a strong presence. "Da, I need you to walk me to the Illikkal House. It's too late for me to go and come alone."

I slipped back to my usual self and said with a sarcastic tone. "You are going there to steal fruits, vegetables, and firewood. So the night is the best time, so don't act all innocent to me."

"Yes," her voice cut through the cold and dark, guiltless, shameless. "They are all abroad, so these things go to waste if somebody doesn't use them. The way I see it, I am doing them a favor. No rotten things in their ground and very little wood and twig for them to remove when they come back. He always used his spine problem to get out of work at home. That's why she is making me her pack mule. And I am pretty sure if I don't go with her she will go alone, which is scares me more than her. So we walked along the mud road. I have always admired her. Looking after him and their grandmother alone. Even making money for his surgeries.

Ask anyone in the village darkness is not an issue here. We have evolved to be bats. She carried the fruits and vegetables and I, the firewood. As we walked back, 'rain blessed' as his grandmother use to say. So we took shelter in the halfway demolished godown. The smell of old chemical fertilizers and other vivid aromas enveloped us but, neither of us minded it. Taking a few twigs and an old newspaper, she made a small dome on the floor and asked me for my matches. I feigned innocence and replied that I didn't have any.

"Da dumbshit, give me your matches, I know the both of you smoke. Do you think I'm stupid?"

I surrendered them, and she lit a small campfire. We sat opposite and munched on tomatoes, watching, and occasionally cursing the rain, just like any Malayali. The fire cast a circle of protection against the invading black of the night.

"Da" I ripped my eyes away from the mesmerizing darkness of the night rain and planted it on her face. It was serious yet calm. Purposeful yet aimless. Determined yet hopeless. "I know I am older than you and that you see me as your sister, but I have feelings for you." She took in my shocked face and resumed with a sigh, "I slept with a hotshot from town to make money for his surgery. And it looks like he wants to marry me now."

We sat there illuminated by the fire, yet blind and deaf in our confusion, or rather, my confusion. We didn't speak for a long time. A part of me thought that she wanted me to ask something. But I didn't.

"I said yes, he seems genuine. I just wanted you to know." Suddenly like a switch going off, she changed, "If you act distant from me or something for this, I swear to god I will strip the skin off your ass."

Silence followed. The sound of rain and creatures of the night were there, but nobody takes things like that into account.

The rain ended, we restarted our journey. When we reached the house. She walked ahead and didn't see me standing hesitantly at the fence's opening. Something cried. I wasn't sure if it was an owl or a water snake eating a toad. I looked in the direction to see the first rays of the sun, just enough light to see the fog that has been all around me throughout the night. She looked back to me from the doorway with an arched eyebrow. After taking in the air and mist, I took a step in the right direction. I hope.